To
solve a marriage problem, you have to talk with each other about it, choosing
wisely the time and place. But when accusations and lengthy speeches of
defense fill the dialogue, the partners are not talking to each other but past
each other. Take care to listen more than you speak. If you still
can’t agree on a solution, consider asking a third party, without a vested
interest, to mediate. (R.C. Sproul The Intimate Marriage, P&R Publishing,
1975, p. 68.)
No marriage is free of conflict. That's because every couple
is made up of two distinctly different people, with different experiences,
interests and emotional predispositions. Regardless of the compatibility a
couple creates in marriage, a husband and wife will always have somewhat different
perspectives, and those differences will create conflict. Conflicts over money,
careers, in-laws, child rearing, and a host of other common marital issues are
part of the experience of being married.
Some couples feel that if they could only rid themselves of
certain conflicts, they would be happy together. But marriages can be terrific
in spite of conflicts, even when some of them are never fully resolved. The
difference between couples who live in marital bliss and those who regret ever
having met each other is not found in whether or not they are free of conflict
-- it's found in whether or not they are in love with each other.
Marriage is an area of
our lives where effective planning is often regarded as unnecessary. Couples
usually believe that they should be guided by their instincts whenever they
have a conflict. Regarding emotional needs in a marriage, most spouses believe
that couples should do for each other what they "feel" like doing. If
there is no interest in meeting a particular need, it should simply go unmet.
Instinct also prevails in most couples efforts to resolve
conflicts. Instead of resolving their marital conflicts by creating and
implementing a well conceived plan, they revert to their primitive instincts --
demands, disrespect and anger -- to try to resolve their conflicts. These
instincts not only fail to provide them with long-term solutions, but they also
destroy the feeling of love. Because couples don't know any better, they keep
using demands, disrespect and anger to try to resolve their marital conflicts
until their love for each other turns into hate.
Create a plan
to resolve your conflicts and restore love to your marriage. And then follow that plan. Insight into your
problem is an important beginning but without action, insight is useless.
Create a Plan
Sustained romantic love is a litmus test of your care and
protection of each other. Care is nothing more than meeting each other's
important emotional needs and protection is accommodating each other's feelings
in what you do each day. Your marriage will be passionate and fulfilling if
both you and your spouse create and follow a plan that guarantees care and
protection. It's well worth the effort.
Following sequence can guide your own personal plan to
restore love to your marriage and to resolve conflicts:
- Make a commitment to just follow the plan
- Identify habits that threaten to destroy romantic love.
- Create and execute a plan that eliminates those identified habits
- Identifying the most important emotional needs.
- Learn to meet the emotional needs of your spouses
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